Archives: July 2002
Wed Jul 31, 2002
Happy Birthday!
today is my daughter's 15th birthday. wow. time goes. i miss her today.
she is off doing good things with her church youth group, a work camp
building for those in need. ::sticks chest out:: i'm so proud of her.
and to think, she almost didn't make it. although she was a healthy
9lbs6ozs when she was born, she had a very rare bacterial infection
that required 3 weeks of hospital care and I.V. antibiotics. i remember
countless hours at the hospital, her little self hooked to tubes and
monitors, resting on my chest while we both napped from the fatique of
the whole process. she was and is my dear little girl, always will be.
i can't get in touch with her today, so this entry will serve to help me celebrate.
happy birthday, sweetie. i love you!, dad.
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Tue Jul 30, 2002
Right Now
if you haven't seen this, check it out. RIGHT NOW
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Mon Jul 29, 2002
gasoline, exhast fumes and the aroma of God
the heat this month is intense and make mowing the lawn an adventure. i
have one of those old fashion push-it-yourself gasoline mowers and the
back yard at my home rest on a steep slope down to the stream. my
mowing path takes me back and forth along the side of this hill, in and
out of the shadow of the hickory trees, and white barked beech trees
that tower above.
my weekly yard mowing has always been a time of physical exertion and
spiritual awareness. it was in my back yard that the pains of early
recovery and the exhastion of body were met by the simple truth that
one step at a time in the right direction will result in success, in
time. it was here that my struggle with the 'weeds from hell' formed
the framework for my belief that recovery and life is about helping and
receiving help. and, it is here that i got a lesson about...
More...
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Sun Jul 28, 2002
an evening well spent
i went this past Saturday afternoon and evening with wifey and
mother-outlaw to o wonderful place. just beyond the imaginary northern
boundry of North Carolina, a few miles off hwy 52, is a place full of
history and the stage for wonderful stories. Levering Orchard is an amazingly peaceful and relaxing piece of americana.
the web site introduces it better than i could here, but i will add
that my experience there was marked by creative energy through music,
story-telling, and poetry unlike anything i expected.
we sat on the hill side, over looking fifty miles of rolling hills and
luminous skies, the natural backdrop for a rough timber stage. the
evening was filled with music, poetry readings and stories from
masterful weavers of tales.
to the right and behind the stage stood the scorched timbers and
twisted tin remains of the old Levering family home, built in 1907 and
burned in 1996. these words came to me as i listened to stories of the
Leverings family...
More...
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Fri Jul 26, 2002
intimate conversations...late at night
we watched "The Royal Tananbauemns" (sp?) last night. after the movie,
wifey and i were talking about it and our respective responses are
indicative of some great truth.
Question: What did you think of the movie?
Theo: "it was interesting. there were a number of family
issues/dynamics presented with the broken family, arrested development,
and adoption issues, but i'm not sure what they were comminicating. the
shift of time line from the intro. to the main film content was not
new, but the treatment of the charcter development in the
children/young adults was interesting. the steriotypes of writer,
adventurer, business man were made interesting by the various problems
encountered by each respective character. all in all, the overinflated
personalities came across as kind of humorous. the plot, as it was,
lacked some resolution, yet, this seems to be a more and more common
theme in productions these days..."
Wifey: "That movie sucked."
Theo: "yep."
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Thu Jul 25, 2002
A blast from the past....WHAM!
i'm feeling some uncomfortable feelings today...mainly, remorse, shame, anger and i bit of self pity.
Cause: i found out last night that a freind of mine has spent the past
year+ with anger and frustration over something she thought i
did...making a "chat-line" phone call from her phone to the tune of
$52.00. truth is, i didn't do it. but, the other truth is, while in
active addiction, i certainly could have. and seeing how she knows some
of my past...it make sence that she thought of me.
i truly hate that she didn't come to be (and still hasn't) directly.
i'm sure we could have worked together and cleared this up. but, she
didn't. so now i feel like i've lost another freind to my addictive
behaviors...eventhough i didn't do it 'this time.'
so my disease takes my mind and runs it back and forward over my
memories of past destructive behaviors and drives right over my
self-esteem. ouch. what to do?
More...
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Wed Jul 24, 2002
things lost...
it is day seven thousand since my auto cd player went away to be
repaired. they sent it to Topeka. who ever heard of electronics being
repaired in Topeka? who ever heard of anything being done in Topeka.
i went through Kansas once. it was about 5 p.m. we rolled out of Kansas
City, Kansas heading west. a few miles down the interstate, i stopped
beside the road to take a picture of the sprawling farm lands and vast
horizon of silos and barns. a highway patrol officer stopped and tipped
his smokey-the-bear hat back on his head and asked, "Is everything
alright here?" i assured him it was and that i had just stopped to take
a picture, this being my first sight of Kansas and all. his reply:
"Well," he snorted, holding back the laughter,"enjoy. this is as good
as it gets." he made his way back to his squad car mumbling something
that had to do with dang tourists. we drove the next 15 days straight
until we got to Colorado, and the rokies. he was right. that was as
good as it got...miles and eons of farm land, and to the best of my
abiltiy, i can't remember seeing a single electronics repair facility!
this leads me to believe that the local Freedman's store has some sort
of secret plot that involves my cd player. Topeka?! jeeze.
More...
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Tue Jul 23, 2002
To Tell The Truth
when i was a kid, about..ummm...10 or so, i found a pack of matches in a storage room at my Aunt and Uncle's motel. I regularly hung out there. I knew that i wasn't suppose to play with matches, but, i just had to. fortunately, nothing burned to the ground and there was no 'big fire' of 1968 in Myrtle Beach, but, i did get caught. More...
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Mon Jul 22, 2002
Dave Barry roks...
so, this morning, i'm sitting at the breakfast table (hummm...funny
how the table changes. later that same table will be the dinner table.
go figure), and i'm feeling kinda down. i innocently pick up the paper
and flip through the pages...there is Dave Barry's weekly column
entitled, "Men, pecans, lizards are a lot alike." i start to read. i
almost fall out of my chair laughing.
so if you want a good laugh, and really want to know the reason that men like to look at beautiful women...check it out.
you can find it here at the Miami Herald's online site:
CLICK HERE
roflmao
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Sun Jul 21, 2002
life is great and i suck!
two problems today that have me beating up on myself. first, at work
tonight (selling furniture at second job) i got really angry with two
customers. this couple comes in, with a major attitude asking for a
mattress that meets this and that and those specifications, yada,
yayda. so, i show them one that is as close as i can get to what they
asked for. they complain that its not what they want, so i show them
another one. they try it. then the lady says, "do you have a
specifications sheet on this matteress? like the one on that one," she
points to a sheet attached to the mattress on display next to it. so, i
tell her "No" cause we don't. The fact is that the manufacter only
gives us spec sheets on some of them. "Well," she grunts, "how do i
know that what you are telling em about that mattress is true?" i'm
taking this a little personally, so i tell her, "well," smiling as nice
as i can, "i gues you have to trust me." "I'm NOT COMFORTABLE with
that," she snorts! So i tell her that maybe they should go buy one
somewhere else, and i walk off, trying not to act out on my anger. I
mean....the lady just told me that she thought i would lie to her.
jeeze. i guess she has issues, and i know i do...because i'm sitting
here feeling like i should have handled the situation differently.
other 'problem' involves that bill i was going to pay last week....the
one to the guy i had owed $ for a long time...well, i didn't get him
paid. I chose to pay wifey my portion of the house payment
instead...and tonight, i have this irrate message on my answering
machine from him...basically telling me i'm a good for nothing
^*^&e2, etc.
argh! well, all i know to do is keep moving ahead. call my sponsor and
know that this bit of depressed feelings and self battering going on
inside me will pass.
Yesterdays deeds descend on raptors wings
talons flair and slice into my mind
tearing through the carefully constructed facade of hope
i bleed, into tomorrow
ancestoral wounds reopen with vengence
defecting logic and maming reason
proclaiming the torment of self loathing valid
i bleed, fill with sorrow
-kew
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Sat Jul 20, 2002
sick PC
i got a nasty virus on my lap top while at work yesterday. i dont know a lot about the dynamics of such things, but i do know that it was sophisticated enough to get past the company's virus ware and it seems to produce hundreds of .cpl files into my windows folder. i did have neough sense to disconnect from the server, so i may have kept it from spreading throughout the system. anyway, it came in through a Hotmail account that i really don't hardly use anymore. the subjest text was in french or spanish or something... More...
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Fri Jul 19, 2002
Addiction - 0, Recovery - 1
for those who might have an interest, to the right you will find a
link to 'Addicted Bloggers' webring. if you are struggling with the
issues brought about by addiction, of any type, check us out.
WHAT I WAS UNABLE TO DO ALONE, WE CAN DO TOGETHER!!
i worked my second job last night and had a successful evening selling
furniture. made some money. felt good about my performance, and got
home tired. very tired. i was so ready to settle into an hour or two on
the PC and then visit with wifey and step-daughter, but alas...the
plumber is coming tomorrow and i had to make some preparations.... i
felt it come upon me like a fever, ANGER. i didn't know who to be angry
at, but i wanted to e angry...hell, i was angry! and once again, all
because i couldn't do what i wanted-when i wanted.
fortunately, this time the 'Program' kicked in. i said the serenity
prayer and acknowledged 1) that i was angry and 2) that i didn't want
to do what i needed to do. funny thing. the anger lessened. it only
took about 45 mins to move some furniture (plumber has to cut a hole in
the wall behind a big ass desk), and clear out the various bathroom
supplies. then, i was done and got to do my PC thingy!
this small victory is the direct result of me staying close to the
program and people recovering from addiction. in case anyone needs
reminding (HEY TRINITY! YOOHOO) making meetings regularly, and calling
people in my network, along with keeping contact with my sponsor IS
WHAT KEEPS ME CLEAN! i cannot afford too many unchecked moments of
chaos, like i could have had last night. the price for acting out on
anger is too high for me...if i do, i'll soon be feelinng regret,
remorse and shame, AND these are some of the feelings that i tried to
get rid of by using drugs. so for today...i wont use, i'll stick to my
program.
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Thu Jul 18, 2002
ahhhhhhh! what a relief.
yep. wifey made it back and all if lovely on the home front. we had
some great laughs and i am still loving hearing her talk about her
trip. she sounds like a kid the day after Christmas...soo excited to
share the goodies that she found: the unique history of Austria, the
stunning beauty of those ancient mountains and historical towns, the
new words, etc.
we chatted until the wee hours of this morning and settled into our familar passion with renewed vigor.
this blog, thanks to the masterful work of Trinity, is coming along
nicely. the email link and accompanying connections are now working, my
wings are back up on the entry page. and all in all, i feel proud to me
hear! thanks.
a lesson from my life: my son has over the previous six months grown
more attached to his PC activities and i have watched him
grow...hummm...shall we say "plump'...
More...
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Wed Jul 17, 2002
count down
i was up way too late last night messing around in internet land,
and today i'm sleepy. BUT, wifey comes back today and i'm pretty much
on schedule with my preparations. Not only is this the day she returns,
it is also our eight year wedding anniversary!
besides cleaning and such, i'm off to get flowers, card and her
gift...hummm... what should it be? clothes? household accessory? i
can't do the personal care products (perfume, lotions, etc) because my
wifey is very health conscience and only uses toxic free organic
stuff...i.e. www.freelife.com
i'll have to give this one some thought. no problem i have several hours. heck in male preparation, time that is an eternity!
all in all, this two week wifeless period has been good. i have become
more aware just how much i love, admire and enjoy her. and, i haven't
done anything really stupid to try and change my loneliness. it has
also given me some quantity time one-on-one with my kids.
on another note. i am truly enjoying this new site!
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Tue Jul 16, 2002
silence is...
ok. i can do this. i know i can. my auto CD player has been on the
fritz. i turn it up and it goes down. i puch the mute button and it
starts scanning. it is possessed! so, i took it to the local car audio
exorcist that sold me the thing, and the said i had a bad actuator or
some such infestation. the head unit is still under warranty, so they
pulled it and sent it off to be repaired. now, i have NO, none, notta
bit of music in my car. i keep telling myself that i can benefit from
the silence. i can...right?
in only one afternoon, it got so bad that i thought about trading cars.
really i did! geeze...it will be two to three weeks, 21 days, 504 hours
before i get my cd player back. everything is going black...i think i
see a bright light, hear the sounds of angel's harps...goodbye cruel
silence!
ok. i can do this, really, it isn't that bad, and i know it is a silly thing to be obsessing over.
oh well...humm...i wonder if there are any good car sales this
week....i would listen for them on the radio...BUT I DON'T HAVE
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! maaaaaaaammmmmaaaaaaaaa!
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less than 48 hrs!
in less than 48 hrs, my wifey will be back.
::stands and dances wildly around the room:
OMG! the house is a wreck and i'm working all day and evening
today. i guess that means some late night cleaning is in order. no
problem. the vacuum, dust rag and window cleaner and i are old freinds.
this is a man who knows housework! i can bring home the bacon, fry it
up in the pan...scrub the pan, and wash the dishes...and never let you
forget i'm a man.
More...
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Mon Jul 15, 2002
several important thoughts
i'm feeling better tonight. i'm feeling loneliness better, sadness
better, graditude better, and that all familar ache of bitter sweet
angst.
i went to a meeting tonight, and if there was a single topic it might
be described as "progress not perfection." several people shared about
thier frustrations with areas of thier life today; money problems,
obsessive compulsive focus on NA, relationship issues, etc. as i sat
and listened, i became wonderfully aware that i am truly fortunate.
More...
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leaden lids...fatigue funk
i'm so dog-gone tired today. i slept until 8:30 am, right through my
alarm. i've been very busy the past couple of weeks. my wifey has been
in Europe (will be back late wednesday night!), my kids have been with
me, and i have been working two jobs and interviewing for another.
yesterday was the first day i was all alone in weeks. after i got home
last evening, i could feel the fatigue setting in. it is more than just
being physically being tired...my mood has taken a nose dive.
(random thought -- maybe it's post clean date/sobriety celebration let
down. hummm. July 10 was three years for me. go me. go NA. go God.)
this morning i'm in a fatigue funk. i feel unsucessful at both my jobs.
all sorts of self-bashing thoughts are running through my head...having
a virtual party. i can almost see them with their little party hats and
horns..."Yeah! He's tired. Lets jump and down on his self esteem." More...
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Sun Jul 14, 2002
lost in blog land
wow. here it is. a site of my very own. what to do? what to do?
first, thanks to Trinty for setting this up...heck...for making it possible!
i'll look forward to getting started as soon as my brain gets a bit
rested. i've been working a second job and it has taken it's toll...
again, this is too, too kewl.
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