Archives: August 2002
Fri Aug 30, 2002
the weekend and thoughts on God
big week end ahead. my family (wifey, daughter, son, two step daughters and one step daughter's b/f) are headed to the coast to visit with my family. i'm a little anxious about the trip, mainly because i need to deal with some unresolved issues (vague enough?) with my mom and step-dad, but, all-in-all, i'm looking froward to some time away from jobs and the same old scenery. More...
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Wed Aug 28, 2002
the straight line
grief can be very intense, but i'm finding my way through it. i've had
some 'normal' moments over the last two days, and i'm finding myself
smiling and laughing again. 'they' were right, "the quickest way to the
other side of a feeling is straight through it."
so, i move on with life. meetings, prayer, service work, step work, work, caring for my kids, breathing.
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Mon Aug 26, 2002
it is raining today.
its raining. moisture descends in waves, cascading from gentle mist to
forceful falls. the dust cracked soil and parchment leaves are
expanding with new life. the creek below has swollen and rushes
forward, chasing itself triumphantly, a clarion call. soon, the
greening will begin and that recently dormant life of nature will
stretch forth boldly one more time before autumn has its judgment and
sends the lush of summer deep into the shell of winter.
i'm crying. tears of sorrow, painful showers of bitter sweet decision
roll across by cheek, clouding my sight and mind. meaning is lost in
the moment of impending loss. i ache. i feel brittle, weak, dry. how
ironic, that today's rain, long awaited and much the subject of prayer
and need, cannot touch my withered soul and yet, mimics my tears.
today i say good bye to a dear friend. my canine buddy of
the past decade, whose romps upon the bed in early morning hours, and
snubbed nosed burrowing beneath the covers will be remembered and
missed. More...
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Sun Aug 25, 2002
normal things can bring great hope...
today, as a result of the exercise and work yesterday, my body is tired, wonderfully tired and my spirit is renewed.
friday evening spent with wifey and freinds listening to the smooth
jazz of Chris Murrell and a late dinner and conversation left me
feeling hopeful.
saturday brought homework, jobs of yard and house, all now more complete.
saturday evening, a game watching. a heart grabbing Seminole victory...albeit...none to impressive. but, a win is a win.
today, worship at the local Quaker meeting. lovely spirit. ahhhh, the touch of the Divine.
now, i'm off the job #2 and i feel peaceful and greatful for life. even
the challenges of life on life's term's (see below) seem managable. i'm
doing the next right thing today, and i'm not doing it alone.
i'm very aware of God's love and kindness today.
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Thu Aug 22, 2002
life on life's terms, Theophany's World part 44
ok. there are some things i need to process here.
my mother had surgery yesterday. she has been having some ongoing
problems with hernias and infections. i was a bit worried, but her
surgery went well. i got a message from my step-father that it all went
ok. i really need to call her, but haven't, yet. she will probably be
home from the hospital tomorrow, so i may just wait and catch her at
home.
i have a problem with my mom and step-dad. i owe them money. during the
last few months of my active addition, i borrowed money from them to
help with the purchase of our current home. and since i'm digging
myself out of one financial hole after another these days, i haven't
gotten around to them yet. they are on my list of needed amends, but as
these things often go with family, it is easier in some ways to put it
off while i calm other more vocal creditors. however, it does bother me
that i owe them, and we DON'T talk about it. so i carry this silent
dark cloud around every interaction i have with them. i really need to
clean this one up.
my dog is still a problem, but (and i know this sounds selfish) he
keeps having good days...it makes it hard for me to decide to kill the
dang dog! he looks so healthy today. of course, he is waking me up at
all hours of the night and demanding to be let outside, fed, etc, or he
inflicts endless barking on me. he has changed, and i know this is a
result of his illness. it is a good thing that i don't have anything to
'put him down' with....cuz at 4 in the morning it seems like a really
good idea! aargh!!!!!!!!!
next topic.
More...
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Mon Aug 19, 2002
a familiar Familiar
i am feeling a very familiar feeling today. i am angry today, a real
grump. nothing suits me and i'm feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
yuck.
several things going own. first, my dog is really sick. he started
having seizures a while back. the vet put him on some medicine that
helped for a while, but they have returned and have gotten alot worse.
he just flails about, urinating all over the place and foaming at the
mouth...poor baby. anyway, i'm having to look at putting he "to sleep."
i just don't have the money to prolong this situation, and since the
vet has said it really is a matter of time, there isn't much else i can
do. the poor dog is so confused, even when he isn't flailing about on
the floor, he isn't himself. he has become much more grumpy, and
demanding: barking at 2,3,4 am to be let out and fed. he isn't himself.
i really hate this situation. powerless.
second, work suks. i like my job ok, but business is really slow and
money is tight all around. i am greatful to have a job, though.
thirdly, two sponcees are giving me the run around. choosing chaos and calling me to try to pull me into their messes. argh.
finally, i really don't want to do my step work right now. surprise.
More...
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Fri Aug 16, 2002
progress
i have often wondered, as i have watched people fall away from recovery
and then relapse, how i could avoid becoming one of those people that
stayed clean for a while, even a long while and then went back out to
the drugs.
i hear alot about sticking to the basics: meetings, sponsorship,
prayer, step work, service work, etc., when this issus comes up.
today's 'Just for Today' reading (see below) hit me as key to staying
in recovery. i must ever strive to move forward, to learn more, do
better and grow. the key to this, for me, is spiritual awareness and
growth.
practically, what does this mean? just for today, it means that i will
take some extra minutes at lunch today and read some spiritual words,
and spend a few moments in meditation/prayer. it means i will have
lunch with a freind of mine who shares my longing for things spiritual,
and talk openly about how our journeys are going. it means i will do
something nice for someone today, without them knowing that i did it.
that is what it means for me, today.
More...
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Wed Aug 14, 2002
awareness, surrender and growth
i'm tired today, fatigued actually.
the addict in me wants to change that, so i'm fighting the urge to
consume large quanities of coffee and tea. it is that way with me and
most feelings...feelings that is that are uncomfortable: i want to
change them.
for me, for today, i know that feelings come and go, kind of like the
breeze, or the change of day to night. something inside of me responds
to something outside of me and BANG, a feeling. my boss clears his
throat, and if i'm worried inside about the amount of time i spend on
the pc not working, then i feel guilty. or, my child asks for money to
go to a movie and if i'm uptight about choices i have made in my
spending, i feel angry. on on the drama goes.
i'm learning though. i'm learning that first i need to feel my
feelings...let them be, acknowledge them. then i need to remind myself
(often with the help of others and my recovering step work) that they
are just feelings...coming in like the wind. i don't have to react to
them. i don't have to try to change them. i can just let them be.
More...
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Mon Aug 12, 2002
Wangle!?!
i get a 'word for the day on my cell phone each day. they are often
interesting and mostly usless words that i can never imagine using. for
example, yesterday's word was "Zorilla - a carnivorous African weasle
with black and white fur." I can here my kids now, "Daddy. The Zorilla
ate the neighbor's cat again."
or, maybe a bad scifi movie: "Godzilla vs Space Zorilla"
then there was "Virid -bright green or covered in green vegetation."
here we go..."I looked out over the southern swamp, she swam up to me
and as her stealth body slide from the water, i was stuck by the
lucious beauty of her three virid breasts, covered in thick slime." na.
then, today! word for the day: "Wangle - to acquire something through indirect or devious means."
wangle? wangle? "pardon me, but your wangle is showing."
i had a good weekend. hope you did.
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Fri Aug 09, 2002
music for ME!!!!
update: now my ride is sporting a new Kenwood CD player. It is good to be back in touch with rythum again.
Sing it Tina!
Scream it Bruce!
Play it Dixie Dregs!
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gulp!
work just got wonderfully crazy. can you say, "45,000 tee shirts?"
no time to think. gotta go for the gold!!!!!
Trinity, check your dang PO box! ::forced smile:: lol. no control issues here...no sir.
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Wed Aug 07, 2002
gonna play it loud!!!!!!
i'm planning to get my NEW cd player for my car today. wait. before you think i've gone off the deep end and am implusively buying something i don't need...hear me out... More...
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Tue Aug 06, 2002
another day clean
i feel good. nanananana. like i knew that i would...
yesterday = work, eat right, exercise, meeting, time with wifey, read.
today = feeling good.
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Mon Aug 05, 2002
Thought on the weekend.
woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. the cause is simple.
Money. good thing is, that because i was feeling so stressed, i.e.
uncomfortable, i did something about it. payed a couple of bills,
looked over the next two weeks of cash flow, and i think i have it
covered. well, sorta. at least the knot is a little less tight now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIFEY!!! yesterday was my wifey's birthday. she planned
her own party. it was great. i got the chance to visit with some
freinds in recovery that i hadn't seen in a while. it was really good
to catch up with them. i shared with them about the 'addicted bloggers'
web ring and blog site. they where very interested in taking a look at
it. they both have more than a decade sober/clean and it is always good
to learn from them.
next topic...i spoke at a Quaker meeting yesterday.
More...
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Sat Aug 03, 2002
my son is dating a porn star?!
this morning my x-wife calls. she's all upset that she found an aim
conversation on my son's computer between him and some girl that
contained talk,in detail, about how they wanted to 'sex' each other.
my son is 13. my son listens to rap and hip-hop. my son speaks openly
to me about his likes and dislikes of certain curves on the female
anatomy. am i surprised at said aim conversation? no. am i 'shocked and
appalled' by it? no. in fact, my biggest concern is to wonder if he is
in fact talking to a real teenage girl, or some drooling, hairy 45 year
old man. yuck.
anyway, the x-wife raked him over the coals pretty good this morning,
and then sent him off on his week long trip to the beach with his
freind and said freind's parents. i guess he and i will need to have a
little chat when he gets back....first, about not leaving those dang
aim conversations on your PC screen at his moms. geeze. then about some
issues around his choices for expressing his new found sexuallity.
where do i find the page in the Blue/Big book on this one?
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Fri Aug 02, 2002
i want to bleed
i want to bleed
let the ruby stream flow
from self inflicted wounds of loss
rush forth with all life, zest and hope
pulsing screams of despair
velvet waves overflowing proper boundries
i want to bleed
washing out decaying debris
rotting carcasses now swept away
foul orgnaic rot lifted from the land
of now remembered errors
move on, ever away to another place
i want to bleed
until the last drops fall silently
tears of silent agony upon now parched land
leaving only dust, lifeless shadows
passed by all but a few
mindless of the flood that once flowed
until they too long to bleed
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the horrible hand of chaos reaches out to me...
look around me. today, nothing is different than yesterday. some jobs,
same recovery, same kids, same x-wife, same old car, same, same, same...
if you could look inside me, my heart, mind and gut...things have changed
More...
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Thu Aug 01, 2002
meeting makers make it
it seems that a common theme in my recovery is "Go to a meeting."
after three years of meetings, an average of 3-4 each week, i really
have not felt like stopping. it isn't that i don't have a life. it
isn't that there are not things i would rather be doing. it isn't that
i'm not sometimes bored, and irritated by the same jargon. it IS that i
reallt seem to do better each day, if i've been to a meeting.
More...
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