Archives: September 2002
Mon Sep 30, 2002
I'm unwanted and feeling good about it?
i have been waiting for a few months to find out if a local Quaker meeting is interested in having me for their minister. after interviews, references, multiple trial sermons and teaching, i received the rejection yesterday. it didn't feel bad though... More...
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Sun Sep 29, 2002
driving me crazy...
OMG! my 1995 Sebring is al but dead and i have to go out and shop
for another vehicle. i was really hoping to get another 2 years or so
out of it, but alas, it is either spend over $2,200.00 on repairs on a
car that is not vauled at much more than that, or trade. it dosn't help
matter any that i don't have the money for the repairs. it is reallt
weird that it is 'cheaper' for me to buy another car than it is to keep
this one going.
a few visits to the dealerships confirms what i already knew. my credit
suks (one of the consequences of using and bad money habits), and i'm
looking at a high interest loan IF
they can find a sucka, eeethummm, i mean bank, that will loan me the
money. i've found a car i want (want as in 'obsession')...a 2000 Honda
Accord, 2 door, 5 speed coupe. zooooooooooom. i've been driving it on
loan from the dealer this weekend until they finalize the loan on
Monday. maybe it will all workout...
ugh. then there are the monthly payments. funny, years ago, this would
have been a lot more fun. today, the fun of a 'new' car is deminished
by the reality of facing my credit whoas...and making the monthly
adjustment to pay for it. oh well...
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Thu Sep 26, 2002
The Filling
THE FILLING
ever left, turn right
through light's mangled night
straight ahead, back again
my pain filled longing
within my soul's maze
i wander endlessly dazed
lost and alone
helpless to atone
when will you free me
when can i be
rested and peaceful
freed from disease
when will my eyes dry
finish their crying
when will this longing
cease wanting for dieing
time swirls in a chaos
demanding my loss
tearing the shear fabric
so wonderfully tragic
i grasp with each breath
i scream as a wraith
arms taunt in dispair
"please, freedom draw near."
broken, empty i fall
with one last gasp i call
"take me. you've won
no more i'm undone...undone.'
a mere shell i remain
empty of all, even pain
broken shards of the potter's
failed craft, shattered shards
then the filling begins
a dance from within
swirling dervish rising
bright eyes radiant shining
clarity comes waltzing
beauty's voice again singing
hope settles within me
like a gift i stand free
what powerful happenings
that waits for my falling
to kindly beqeath life
again
-theo
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Wed Sep 25, 2002
Celebration
my colonoscopy yesterday was a breeze, and i'm 'normal.' that may be the first time i've been classified as normal in my life!
so, i'm celebrating with FIREWORKS! CARE TO JOIN ME?
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Tue Sep 24, 2002
Getting Gizmo
iwasn't gonna do a GIZMO post, cuz i thought most folks would have
no interest in my dog. i mean, he means tons to me, but he's my dog. at
anyrate, since there are a few who seem to share the awwwwwww that i
feel toward this mutt, i'll give you the Gizmo story. i will not turn
this blog into a quess what Gizmo did today, etc. journal. i'll spare
you! :)
*Tuesday, September 17, 2002*
i was driving by the local Humane Society and decided to follow an urge
to "just look and see" what kind of dogs they were holding. i recently
put my 10 year old Boston Terrier to sleep and
i had decided to go the 'pound dog' route, as it seems better for the
animal world, pet fairness situation. the Society had four dogs that
all but two of were too large for my needs and wants. of the small
ones, one looked like a maltese that someone had mixed with a rat, in a
blender (yap! yap! yap!) the other was a small beagle/terrier mix with
adorable brown eyes and a very gentle temperment (he was really a good
doggie con). he's name was Deacon. his chart displayed his wieght at 11
lbs and age at 10-11 months.
More...
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Fri Sep 20, 2002
Gizmo is here!
I just have one word for you right now, "Gizmo."
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Thu Sep 19, 2002
The Outlaw
my mother-out-law is eighty. wifey and i moved her here to North
Carolina about two years ago after her hubby died. she is very
independent and able, compared to most eighty year old living humans.
she still sings remarkably well. plays the piano and teaches piano to
several young Mozart wannabes. she lives alone.
the other day we where chatting.
Outlaw: that lady from...ummm..what's the name of that old folks place?
Theo: the one near our home?
Outlaw: yes. the one on Burkette St.
Theo: it's Burke Mill Road, and the place is Heather Acres.
Outlaw: whatever. yes. well, she called and i went by to see about playing for them.
Theo: thats great. she wanted you to play the piano in the lounge there, right?
Outlaw: i went over and played. the old people there are, ummm...well they just sit there and grunt and drool.
Theo: (trying to clear image from my mind) and?
Outlaw: i didn't bring any music so i just played some hymns from the
hymn book they had. some of those old people did start to clap and
grunt with the last few hymns i played. i really shouldn't call them
old...humm...better watch what i say over there. --giggles--
Theo: like i've said before. you have made it to 80+ years, i think you
can say about anything you want. if people don't like it, well, just
tell em you are...
Outlaw: crazy? senile? Alzheimer’s?
Theo: whatever you want. live a little.
Outlaw: i just didn't expect them to be so old, the inmates.
Theo: inmates?! maybe you had better watch what you say over there! geeze.
Outlaw: --grins--
i can't wait until i'm 80.
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Wed Sep 18, 2002
Familiar
i was reading over an old entry and found this poem that i totally forgot about. i still like it, though
Familiar
who are you,
this creature with my face and eyes,
small and fleet running rampant on my soul?
what quest brings you here again
to devour my joy and chase away my peace
ever laughing as you go, flinging scorn and distain?
come, troubler of spirits
rest here on my lap and tell me what fuels your frensy
how comes your recent troubled flight into my thoughts?
sit with me
let us wait together for the rain
waterfalls often bring sprites in drops of tears and sweet dew.
let us wait here, together, my familiar.
-theo
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Tue Sep 17, 2002
Blessings, Probings and my HP
i was truly blessed. last night's interview was one of the most loving and honest group experiences of my life.
i met with the representatives of the Quaker Meeting and we talked and
visited around various topics. they seem truly interested in me. the
most amazing thing was that we talked openly about my addiction and
recovery. we even chatted about some parallels between Quaker thought
and process and 12 step groups. too amazing!
i still have no idea if they will offer me a call...
More...
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Mon Sep 16, 2002
Interviews and Violations
i have a few things to process.
tonight i have my second interview with the Quakers. the closer i get
to this experience the more nervous i get. it isn't about the
interview, it's that i'm fearful about the outcome. i REALLY, REALLY
want this job. my life has always been most joyful when i was pastoring
a congregation. it is a true blessing when your vocation and your
avocation can be the same thing. i long for the time when my work can
be focused on things spiritual. having said that...
More...
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Fri Sep 13, 2002
from my Sister...
my sister sent me this. it comes from her, my sister. so, you are forwarned. my sister doesn't care who she pisses off, in fact on many days, i'm pretty sure she wakes up and the second thought that crosses her mind is, "Hummm. Whom shall i piss off today?" (the first thought is no doubt about killing the person who invented the alarm clock) she is a rebell. my dear female sybling has a heart of gold and the tact of a two year old in a chocolate shop. she is one of the funniest people i know, and capable of more insanity than imaginable. she is still alive...that is a miracle. she is older than me. she is a recovering addict/alcoholic. she sees dead people. she is the mother of two now grown children, a nurse, a poet, a believer of many things spiritual. i am glad she is in my life. i love her, even if i don't always have a clue as to what she is up to... my sister sent me this... More...
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Wed Sep 11, 2002
...among wolves
somewhere i heard of a poem entitled, "There are Men too Gentle to Live Among Wolves." i found these words of James Kavanaugh's:
There are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves
"There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who prey upon them with IBM eyes
And sell their hearts and guts for martinis at noon.
There are men to gentle for a savage world
Who dream instead of snow and children and Halloween
And wonder if the leaves will change their color soon.
There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who anoint them for burial with greedy claws
And murder them for a merchant's profit and gain.
There are men to gentle for a corporate world
Who dream instead of Easter eggs and fragrant grass
And pause to hear the distant whistle of a train.
There are men too gentle to live amount wolves
Who devour them with appetite and search
For other men to prey upon and such their childhood dry.
There are men to gentle for an accountant's world
Who dream instead of Easter eggs and fragrant grass
And search for beauty in the mystery of the sky.
There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who toss them like a lost and wounded dove
Such gentle men are lonely in a merchant's world
Unless they have a gentle one to love."
James Kavanaugh
today...
More...
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Sun Sep 08, 2002
9-11 remembering
as i have read more in the papers and listened this weekend to the
news, i am tossed back to the 9-11 tragedy of last year. i remember the
raw emotions that follwed the initial disbelief of that day. i remember
the torn emotions i felt of anger, compassion, fear...
i'm posting here a poem i wrote 9-12-2001. may the love that life intends prevail for ALL people...
Eagles Weep
Eagles weep the dust of fury
Glory hangs in a breeze filled sky
Trumpets howl forth silence
Sightless eyes gaze on dust and bone
Paradox rains upon sweltering souls
Discordant melodies find no harmonic tone
Dreams of romantic horror in daylight come
Sleeping giants slumber on
Restrained talons long to tear
Flesh and bone. Retribution wails
Bridled shouts from viper lips
Broken tongues speechless, still
Such is this chaos, grief born questions
Here lies the doubt, fear, taking root
Anger and pain beget rage
Tearing the fabric, the destroying the shoot
Then, blasting through heart’s cage
Cries, screams and eternal rage
Why! Demands our soul
Why? Defiant voices entreat
Into this realm of despair
Touching sinew of exposed care
Lifting corpse-like remains
Our Hope stands, lifted hands
In a speechless voice the whisper comes
Gentle words rock our perilous stance
Words carefully spoken, deeply heard
Faith, Hope, Love the memory calls
Again, glorious birds find their songs
Heavy banners are lifted in a gentle breeze
The clarion call of brass sounds, proclaims
Life has come and will remain
September 12, 2001
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Fri Sep 06, 2002
time alone...KEWL
wifey is headed out of town this weekend for a continuing education
event. the kids will all be with their 'other' families, so, i'm
looking at some time alone this weekend.
in the past i would have been very uncomforatble and let those feelings
drive me to use or act out. so many times i've bought stuff i didn't
need and couldn't afford just to deal with loneliness. today i am
looking forward to some time alone. a great deal has been happening
around me lately and i can use some time to think, feel and get closer
to nature and my god.
More...
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Wed Sep 04, 2002
something different...HE MAN COMETH!!!
i bought some weights yesterday. (waits for laughter to die down)
yes. i bought a set of 'free weight' dumbbells. i've been
exercising regularly (indoor cycling) for about four months now and my
wieght is really down. i've dropped about 15 lbs and can now see the
frail wiethered body that was hiding under my body fat. so, i've
decided to add some weight lifting to my workout. we have this great
store "Play It Again Sports" that sells used sporting/exercise
equipment.
More...
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Tue Sep 03, 2002
too much
all most overwhelming. over the past week, i have had to face several major deals.
1. my mother had surgery, which turned out ok. she's recooperating at home and seems fine.
2. my dog is dead
3. my granddad is nearing death, or so it seems. i had a nice visit with him this past weekend.
4. i have been asked to come for a second interview for a job as minister
5. my health is in question
More...
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