New Year's Dinner - Sights and Smells

Mrs. Theo and i join a dozen friends for dinner tonight at a wonderful Japanese restaurant in the neighboring town. i sat met and was reacquainted with two people of wonderful creativity and spirit: Cynthia Loving and Barbara Cashman.

Cynthia is a Clinical Aromatherapist, Craniosacral Therapist and LMBT. SHe runs a small business called 'Loving Scents' and is a virtual lexicon of alternative therapy contacts. What a neat lady.

Barbara Cashman and her husband, John, work with glass. John is a stained glass artist and Barbara creates Glass Tile. Both share a creative energy and independent work ethic that is refreshing and inspirational. More...

go help a someone...now.

at lactose incompetent i read this, "Right now, however, I just need moral support. I need nothing more, nor nothing less, than kind words and encouragement."

go there. read the stories. share a word of kindness.

Namaste'

refreshed and looking forward...

i returned to two of my favorite, feel good activities last night (well two out of three ain't bad ;)). i spent about an hour lifting weights in the garage and then went to a meeting.

i hadn't made time for a full workout in over a week. with company and holiday events, i've just grabbed a bit of exercise here and there. i did manage to keep the pounds off. only gained 1 (count um! one!) pound over the past month. anyway, i do love the way i feel when i work out. that pumped feeling and the satisfaction of knowing that i am staying on the road to health does wonders for my mood.

last night's meeting was good. there where several newcomers, and the presence of newcomers usually makes for a good meeting. the topic was mostly about working the steps and the critical need for a sponsor. i had a nice talk with my sponsor after the meeting, and we are planning on lunch on Thursday this week. a good start to the new year. More...

welcome home Theo...

got back home last night. Gizmo greeted me with vigor: full body/tail wagging, tongue licking vigor. there is something so welcoming about an over zealous mutt!

special thanks to my friends David and Joyce for house/dog sitting!

today i face the same ole...same bills, same job, same recovery, same house, same family, same co-workers, same, same, same.

ahhhhhh, it is good to be home. my home. my life.

a homecoming...

I am visiting here at my home place, in South Carolina this weekend. As usual, it is a trip filled with many feelings and emotions. I have trouble during these jaunts into my personal history; trouble with the memories of the past, specters of misdeeds, haunting voices lingering in my mind, stirring up feelings of failure and misfortune. It is true that my choices, while growing up here and struggling to find some semblance of life for myself, have been many times less than healthy for myself and unloving towards others. It is also true that I was a part of great joys and unselfish acts of kindness during those years, as well.

Yet, I find myself here among family, remembering feelings of my short comings and lack. Why? Why is it the uncomfortable feelings that seek me out here? Why do I recall the troubled times? What lesson is there for me in this tiring dance of visiting home and past failures?

Maybe it is a simple lesson in the importance of choices made each day. That my angst with homeward journeys serves to remind me that the choices I make today will be with me for many years, and that I need to choose wisely. Perhaps it is with these reassembled ghosts of yesteryear that I find the need for a deeper acceptance of my past; grace for the young man who did his best, given what he had at the time. There where limitations that bound me then, even though today my growing has overcome many of them (I struggle with different forms of those demons today). I don’t really know if there is ‘A’ lesson here.

This I do know. That I can move through this time of uncomfortable feelings. The time here is temporary. The feelings are passing. I know that whatever comes today, be it the memories of the past, or my pain in seeing my grandfather’s health rapidly waning, I can use the tools of my ‘new way of life’ and live successfully. I have a life based on commitment to a God of my understanding and a set of spiritual principles that may not give me the answers I seek, but do give me choices that bring answers…all in time.

Not Gonna Make Cookies!

i was thinking about making some sugar cookies from a family recipe, but after THIS, i just don't see how i can...geeze..thanks Brenda! ;=P

Merry Christmas!

Once, long ago, heaven reached down and touched earth and Hope was born anew!

Wreath linkage!

here's the deal. copy the wreath. add it to our site, and link back to who you got the wreath/code from...and pass it on. or, something like that. i got my wreath from Mandarin Design. (you may have to get it there, cuz, you can't right click on my site...sorry)

on being in worship at Christmas time...

the words are more familiar than obsessive thoughts as they bounce endlessly between ear and heart. pounding, they bring a now aged prophecy via the well worn path from daily fears and dutiful tasks to the mystic horizon of hope. the horizon: the juncture of observed beauty and the failing of perception. the 'out there' place of tomorrow's wanderings and future dreams. here i hear them. simple words: behold. joy. salvation. love. gift. within them resounding whispers remind me of that which must be known. the eternal truth that within Life, indeed my life, there is One who loves and who possesses the wonderful power to transform this malformed, mistake ridden existence into a journey of great worth, a journey as pure as the trek of a mother's hand as it gently caresses across her child's face. today's words, wrought in ritual and sanctuary re-membered in my soul such Love.

For Those Unfortunates Who Don't Know...

There are only a select few of us who truly understand the nature of the Southern Beast!

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess".

3) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder".

continued here...
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In My Hands

a while back, i held another recovering addict's new born child. these words came to mind.

in my hands

in my hands
gentle and small
wonder and delight
an ebbing of laughter and stress

in my hands
the future rests
tasks to be learned
suprises of nature and mind

in my hands
a bundle of memories
my daughter's squirming
my son's gentle dreams of sleep

in my hands
empty now
full of possiblities
grasping for the next embrace

of that true gift of life
given from Creator
offered daily
to my hands

-theo

there is so much value for me in recognising that my god is always about the business of creating new hopes, dreams and realities.

I know...

I know I can do what my soul would have me do.

I Want to be High. I Don't Want to Use!

tonight i wanted to be high. really high, plastered, just this side of shit faced.

i didn't want to get high... break my commitment to stay clean today, loose my 3+ years of clean time, feel the guilt, shame and remorse that follows using, experience the sickness of a belly full of dope and a head full of recovery...no, i didn't want to get high. i just wanted to feel better than i do.

as i process this moment in Theo's journey, i can't say that i really have any one thing that has me feeling....hummm..how would i describe this feeling? dark? hurt? angry? tired? empty? lost? yes, lost. that is it. i have been living with a good bit of expectation lately: changes in the work place, holiday guests, and family expectations, even looking for a check in the mail (my annual rebate from my insurance company - got the letter yesterday. it's not coming this year.), and other simple, expectations....all focused on the hope that once realized, these happenings would make me feel better...give me a distraction, a reason to feel success. yet, i feel lost, empty, sad.

i catch myself comparing the Theo who is with the Theo i think i should be. that line of thought always hurts. there is the voice that says, "You ain't shit and you ain't never gonna be shit!" i really don't like that voice...it always throws up (pukes up) the past and the opportunities lost to my choices and mistakes. argh. shut up!

i have managed to find some relief tonight. i rode the bike and that released some of the stress. it was during that ride that the opening sentence of this post came to me...a moment of clarity. writing about it here helps, too. it always does. time for a shower and rest.

affirmations

tonight i got to see my son perform in his eight grade band
i have a good job today, filled with new opportunities
i'm clean today
i have a loving god who already knew i was hurting, and cares
my wifey seems happy tonight
right now, i believe in me
i have a great sponsor
tomorrow i get to hear my daughter sing with her school glee-club
i have this blog


goodnight Theo!

Theo's world - Episode 87291

i find myself very busy at Job #1. with the exit of our VP of sales, there are a number of accounts to be contacted and other responsibilities to be reassigned. add to that, the fact that we are in the middle of a office upgrade, so construction is going on around me...walls coming down...going up.

it's all good. i'm just a bit disoriented.

i hurt my shoulder last night lifting wieghts. ouch. it aches like a ....well...it aches alot. i'll have to lay off the wieghts for a few days. that suks.

i need to do some christmas shopping. luckily, i can do some of that from here at work. i love wholesale shopping!

and, if you are in need of a holiday experience, be sure and check out the lastest from my all time favorite source of artistic prowess. CLICK HERE!

a brand new day...

i'm in a rush this morning, but wanted to get this up.

over the last few months, things here at job#1, my primary job, have been stressful and hectic. company profits have been really down, and moral at an all time low. i have several observations that might shed light onto how that is so, but those observations are too lengthy to get into this morning, and really are a moot point at this time....

the short story. Friday, the 'axe man' came in the form of one of our owners and he fired the VP of Sales. he then met with me and said several VERY affirming things and made the continued commitment to having me remain a part of the company. all of this came as quite a surprise, especially since i thought i was the most likely candidate to be fired. the removal of the former VP has already had a positive impact on the rest of us. his energy was mostly negative and he was often self centered.

what a relief.

Peace

MEWHAAAAAAAA!

Beware!

found this here

Frosted Window Panes and Cooled Christmas Pains

it was Christmas eve. there was no snow. it just doesn't snow much in my childhood home town of Myrtle Beach, SC. it was cold enough for me to fog the windows on the living room, as i knelt over the back of the olive green sofa and prepared to draw smileys and 'kilroys' on the frosty glass canvases i had created. i was 9 years old. this memory is Christmas to me. all of the memories of my childhood holiday experiences get rolled into one tapestry of images, remembered feelings and haunting sounds and smells as they drift through the chasm of my minds reflections.

a memory... lying on my back on that sofa, watching the flashing patterns on the ceiling. designs, ever-changing, cast there by the blinking of inch long glass bulbs; the kind you had to screw in. a flash of green, spirals of light reflecting from the pounds of tinsel (icicles we called them) on the frasier fur tree blended off and on with red twists of light and the sporadic blue tendril, danced before me. in an almost hypnotic trance, my mind raced to the possibilities of gifts...trains, toy guns, perhaps a "Major Matt Mason" space set. but more vividly than these images, is the feeling that all was well. as it was suppose to be. in that moment my world was filled with possibilities.
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Christmas Dogs, Fleas and Donkeys...

I received two clever emails yesterday. One was a cute pic that you will find at the end of this post. The only thing that would make it better is if it included my doggie, GIZMO!

The other email was a funny and profound (sorta) story about a donkey in a well. Here it is.

The Donkey in the Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

there's more... More...

do you see an angel?

i'm not sure what this is, nor do i remember where i found it, but i do find it interesting. the colors and hues are peaceful, and it appears to me as if it is almost an angelic image. just thought i would share it here.



today is a better day...better, as in i'm feeling more upbeat, more focused, more here-and-now.

it is important for me to remain in the present. when my mind wanders to the past, and replays old mistakes and poor choices, it only serves to put me in a funk. when my thoughts take me into the unknown future, and i worry about that might, or might not happen, then i get crazy. my mind will race around trying to figure out ways to control future outcomes...result=chaos.

As simple as it is, i must remember that there is only today: Just for today, Theo! Just for today!

so, today, i'm in today: work, shuttling son 'JAWS' from point A to point B, exercising, eating healthy, maybe go to a meeting at noon...
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Monday Morning Ramblings and Revelations...

several things...

it appears that the state of North Carolina was guilty of some serious 'selective sterilization' in the 1940s. an area newspaper is running a series of articles entitled "Against Their Will". what is most alarming to me about this, is that i have never heard of this before. i'm a fairly 'aware' person, and have spent more than a few years in institutions of higher learning in and around this state, but, this news is just being revealed. this thought haunts me: "if this has been hidden so well, for so long, what else lies concealed in the catacombs of state and national history?" sounds like a story for Brenda! More...

a bit of Holiday fun!

make your online snow flake!

a evening in the Darko

wifey and i watch an average of 1-2 movies each week. it is just what we do. the kids that run the local blockbuster know us on a first name basis.

for several months now, i have been trying to rent a copy of Donnie Darko. each time i think of it, the one or two copies that they carry at blockbuster are usually rented out. last night there was a copy available.

if you haven't seen this film, see it. it is a wonderfully twisted romp. half the fun is seeing well known actors* casts in smaller roles in this soon to be 'cult film.' the visual images, humor (dark as it is), and cinematography of the film are enough to get the mind going. add a touch of science fiction and fantasy, coupled with a bit of mystery/suspense and you have a film that threatens to create a new genre.

i had wonderfully vivid and creative dreams last night!

however, by way of warning...when my 13 year old son finished watching the movie, he said to me with a troubled tone in his voice, "Dad, who told you about this movie?" i told him i read about it on a couple of my online friend's blogs. his response was succinct, "Dad, your friends are potheads!"

i still liked the movie.
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an early Winter vacation, and Thanksgiving update...

looks like the schools here will be closed again tomorrow. that will make three days in a row, and take us into the weekend. i went out on the roads for a brief bit today. the major roads are fine, but the secondary and neighborhood roads are a mess and WAY too slick for my accord. i'm home for now. the thaw is suppose to come tomorrow.

the past two days have been a wonderful break for us. wifey has been home and we have had some much needed down time from work. we have laughed, put up the Christmas tree, and had my mother-outlaw stay over with us.

last evening, the smell of hot cider, fresh baked muffins and the sound of mother-outlaw playing carols on the piano was wonderfully settling for me. we even built a fire in the fireplace. it was hard for me to do (being the alpha male and all. grunt, grunt, snort), but i let my step-daughter build the fire. it took a while, but she figured it out. hummmmm...there may be hope for the females of the species after all. More...

Selling, Classical Piano, Alligator Wrestling, Jaws, and Chaos Remembered

I love it when my 'work' takes me to powerful experiences. When i was a pastor, serendipitous moments were a regular treat in my vocational wanderings. such moments are much more rare in the world of sales, but yesterday i had a wonderful encounter with two creative, powerful and talented people.

while hosting a booth for our company at the local Chamber of Commerce holiday event, i met Pamela Howland and Ana Tampanna.

Pam is a classical pianist. She is a teacher turned performer and has a lovely new Christmas CD of holiday favorites with just a touch of a jazz flavor added to her normally pure classical style. It is a great listen and would make an excellent gift(s). Interestingly enough, her husband, who i also met, is a former potter turned Doctor. Both people were a delight to visit with and an inspiration to know.

Ana Tampanna, an author, lecturer, and Queen extraordinaire, was clad in a red ball gown and feather boa. Her extreme humor and contagious laughter made her very approachable. Don't be fooled, however, this lady's thoughts and thus, her works, are filled with deep and abiding ideas. She has the brassy humor of the infamous "Sweet Potato Queens", but the depth of a more profound ‘ponderer.' Again, her book 'The Art of Alligator Wrestling' would make a great gift.

Next Topic...
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Winter Storm Warning...

We are suppose to get snow, freezing rain and sleet tomorrow. Here, when such forecasts come, folks rush to buy milk and bread. i don't know why, but that is what happens. you can't find a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk anywhere for several days.

maybe us Southerners need these particular foods in greater quantities in order to deal with such weather....nope...makes no sense.

anyway, i liked the pic above, but it needs a caption.

"Give me all of your __?"

he's gonna live! and chapter 10

well, the Doc says i have a simple upper respiratory infection. nothing a dose of antibiotics won't cure.

since i don't feel like composing, i thought i'd 'cheat' and post something i've already written. for the thousands of readers (lmao) that are awaiting the latest installment of The Gift, you will find chapter 10 below in the extended entry. if you missed chapter nine, you can find it here. More...

thanks and update from Theo land...

thank you all for your concern and care!

fever started last evening, so i'm going to the doctor today. it is frustrating to be sick! i have many topics on which i'd love to write:

-a funny thing happened to thanksgiving dinner
-wall paper, sanding and marrital aides
-sickness, frustration and the gentleness of heart
-Gizmo update (here comes the Sunnie!)
-my son JAWS
-expectations and raindrops

i'm too tired now, (even though i slept 12 hrs. last night) but maybe now that i've listed these, i'll get back to them later.

again, thanks for all of your kind words and vibes. sniff, sniff. cough, cough. hack, hack...