Archives: September 2003
Tue Sep 30, 2003
Defensive Regression
The knot in my belly stays tight these days
But for the moment of forgetfulness, wandering thoughts, and dreams
Of what might me
I live in the worst of pain
It is not enough to know that I have failed myself
Lost the battle of self-will, the war of malformed deeds and dutiful thoughts
Where the soul is forged
And life too often lost
Fallen too are those who ventured here
Within my realm of care, the embracing rhythm of sacred hearts
For the alchemy of souls
Now divided
Bound now by these thoughts, feelings
Fearful tatter of my being, a dwarfed segment of my spirit coils
In darken abyss and embryonic longing
Alone
-Theo
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Sun Sep 28, 2003
*&^%$*)$#
When I don’t get what I want, I get angry. I am angry tonight.
Bitch #1 : The new job hasn’t paid off the last two weeks. The sale has
been poor and cash flow has slowed to more of a stagnate cesspool. I
have had several talks with the company president and we are trying to
find a mutually agreeable resolution to the situation. I did not agree
to come on the fucking road, 12 hours from my family in order to make
piss poor money and create financial stress back home. I could have
stayed at home and done that. Home; where my wife would be to create
passion with me, my children to pester and enchant me, and my dog to
amuse and worship me. I’ll be meeting with Mr. John President early
this week.
Bitch #2: My wife is pissed with me and very, very (did I say VERY)
upset with the financial situation that I have created. Our talks have
gone from anger and frustration to cold, passionless exchanges. I hurt
because I’m not with her, and when I do call her, I hang up feeling
worse. NOT a good situation. I am not phoning her today. If she wants
to talk to me, she will have to make the effort. Maybe I’m being
spiteful, but somehow, I don’t think she will really give a damn.
Bitch #3: The fucking people in the room next door last night had
screaming kids and barking dogs, and tonight I’m hearing half drunk
voices and load TV. I don’t know if this night will pass without
someone dieing!
Bitch #4: My wife just called. NOW I feel like….shit.
Good fucking night.
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Tue Sep 23, 2003
A Creative Response to Today's Pain
Now come the days of want. The famine, long expected, invited by deeds
of indulgence and greed, descended upon me, bringing with it gaunt
spiritless-eyes, streamed with tears, marking trails of smeared lust
and a swarm of locusts, devouring any sliver of hope, light.
Now comes the test, the question begging answer: Will we survive until the golden harvest?
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Mon Sep 22, 2003
My Life is Waffle House?!
It is very interesting what one can learn from listening.
I treated my appetite and ignored my need for low a cholesterol diet
(shhhh! If you don’t tell my doctor, it doesn’t count), and had
breakfast at WaffleHouse this morning.
Karen is in her mid thirties, has two children and hates it when her
kids stay home for snow days. She drives an older Nissan. She has a
small space between her two front teeth that she tries to hide by
rolling her lip over them when she is laughing. It doesn’t work.
The cook, an all but kid in his twenties, plans to get his GED this
year and then study at the community college, or maybe join the Navy.
He likes his job, and doesn’t cook rubber eggs. I think that is
considered an accomplishment. I know my eggs were very tasty. I think
his name is Mack, or Mick. He didn’t have on a name tag.
Betty is clearly the matriarch of the group. She smiles as she listens
to the banter of the ‘younger’ staff. She moves effortlessly from one
task to the next, often working ahead of the others. She greets
regulars by their first name, or with a knowing nod. Her under the cuff
comments to the others often brings a smile or a giggle. Betty is, and
wants to be the Queen of the WaffleHouse.
As I sat at the counter, eating my cheese eggs, grits and butter soaked
raisin toast, gazing at the laminated menu pictures of the many
heart-stopping, artery clogging, cholesterol enhanced foods, this
thought crossed my mind: Is there really a difference between any of
our lives, other than the package that that life might reside in?
More...
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Sat Sep 20, 2003
Unexpected Turn...
Set my alarm for 6:15 this morning. Got up, had a cup of green tea,
dressed and walked over to the gym, only to realize that they don’t
open until 9 am on Saturdays. Heh. Well, at least I have some time to
blog before I need to be at work.
The sale yesterday was slow. Looks like we will only be here in
Arkansas one more week and then we will be starting a two location sale
in Memphis. We hope to have the contracts signed for that the first of
next week. I might get to run home for a couple of days in between.
Maybe.
More...
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Tue Sep 16, 2003
Welcoming Uncomfortable Feelings
I went to a meeting last evening. Good for me to do that. I really
needed to share, and I’m feeling much more stabilized emotionally.
Whew! Let me tell you, it is scary being inside my head when my
emotions get churning. Oh, the things I can think of to distract myself
from simply allowing myself to feel. I’m just glad I didn’t do anything
stupid. Heh. Thank you, again, NA!
I’m still lonely, but my level of acceptance is much higher. I’m back
to living in the moment, allowing each day to be what it is. Someone in
the program here died this week. He committed suicide while in the
midst of a full blown relapse. I didn’t know him. Yet, as I listened to
the people share about how they were affected and witnessed them
wrestling with what to do, how to feel, how to deal with feelings…I got
exactly what I needed: A reminder that my life is very good. Those
intense feelings are a very real sign of the health of my life. There
was a time when I wouldn’t have felt them, wouldn’t have known how to
walk through them, would never have written about them. It would be
tragic if I could be working 12 hours from my home, family, dog and
friends and NOT feel lonely and scared!
As strange as it may sound, I find that I am very glad that I feel the uncomfortable feelings that I do – I’m alive.
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Sun Sep 14, 2003
Arkansas Episode 3 - Winged Wonders
I am pretty sure that there are secret government genetic manipulation
experiments going on somewhere near me here in Jonesboro, Arkansas. The
evidence is undeniably clear.
There are mosquitoes here with the size and disposition of hornets!
More...
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Thu Sep 11, 2003
9-11
today is September 11, 2003. i was at work when i heard the news of the
first plane crashing into the World Trade Center. Tragic. and the day
got worse.
two years have passed. this morning i pray for God's will to be known
and for the power to carry that will out... i don't know what else i
can do.
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New Found Obsession...Shhhh!
For my own well being, I bought a two week membership to the 'Health Club' across from the hotel. Now I just have to use it...
This morning I met a new love. She's lean, fast, and plugged in to
all of the hottest, current news, pounding music and pulsating videos.
We spent 30 minites together, getting all hot and sweaty, and when we
were done I felt wonderful, alive!. If you happen to be in the area,
I'll be happy to introduce you to Ms. Lifecycle. Ride it baby!
More...
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Wed Sep 10, 2003
Arkansas Living Episode 2
There is a twinge of loneliness each morning. The activities of the day quickly sweep it away…the business of physical labor, the chat among coworkers, the anticipation of this weekend’s sale…keeping my mind busy, my heart active. The evenings bring welcomed rest and a moment or two online. It is the mornings, moments like now when the solitude stands before me and I’m challenged. The specters of discomfort move in, shadowing my identity and bringing thoughts of distractions, worries and fears. Breathe, Theo. Trust the process… More...
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Sun Sep 07, 2003
Made It! Tennessee 101
I made it! Whew.
It is officially an 11 hour drive from my home to Jonesboro,
Arkansas. The only dramatic moment in the drive was a near-deer miss
about 30 minutes into my drive. Hey, it was 5 o’clock in the morning,
pitch dark and very little traffic; I don’t expect deer to be able to
see me coming at 70 miles/hour. Luckily, I saw her. I had to stop in
the middle of the Interstate. The deer looked at me like I was crazy
and wandered off the road. Silly humans.
Another highlight was discovering that there is a town in Tennessee called (and I’m not making this up, honest) Bucksnort.
It must be a state law that every driver in Tennessee has to display a
Volunteers sticker, flag, or magnet on their vehicle. I believe this to
be true not only because of the millions of such emblems, but due to
the following conversation I had at the Bucksnort Subway.
Subway Counter Lady: Here you go, Sir. Welcome to Tennessee.
(I looked down at my tray and saw my sandwich, iced tee cup and a
bright orange ‘T’ sticker. I picked it up and handed it back to her)
Theo: Thanks, but I’m from NC. You know? The ACC?
Subway Lady: That’s nice. Welcome to Tennessee! (she smiled and handed me the ‘T’ sticker back)
Theo: (Looking at the “T” sticker) Yes, but I’m a big Florida State Seminole fan…
Subway Lady: Good for you. (She open palmed the sticker away from her toward me) Welcome to Tennessee!!
I kept the sticker.
There is much I hope to see here. I’m only 30 miles from Memphis and
all of it’s blues, Graceland, and the great Mississippi! Hopefully I
will get to go “Walking in Memphis”, or maybe “Going to Graceland.”
More later…
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Sat Sep 06, 2003
Penny Thoughts?
Last evening, after attending a wonderful movie (Pirates of the Caribbean),
Gail (aka The Great Wind) and I returned home. As we prepared for bed,
the reality of my impending departure began to set in. My mind began to
dwell on the loss of my daily home-based routines, the absence of my
wife's laughter, sleeping alone, my children... We spoke a little of
these things.
By the time we rested in bed, the silence of the coming change was
heavily on my spirit. I spoke to my wife, as she rested beside me, as
we shared those moments of conversation just before turning out the
light and snuggling into slumber together, "What are you thinking about
now?"
More...
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Fri Sep 05, 2003
Wonderful Night
I do not know what tomorrow will bring
Blasts of chaos or flowers of spring
Evening comes and daylight, too
Thoughts of stardust, dreams of you
Silence speaks of truths unknown
My thoughts too loud, my fears they moan
No routine to be found, no patterns are here
I'm lost in the day, battered by Fear
A vision I need, a place to stand
Mired in doubt, sinking in sand
Your arms grasp me, envelop my soul
Warmth surrounds me, peace takes hold
Come tomorrow, rush on next year
My worries subside, clear are my tears
Today I'm held tight, comforted and fed
Wrapped in passion, redeemed in your bed.
-Theo
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Wed Sep 03, 2003
Concerts, Cafes and Staying Clean
Yawn! Note the time...it is after 09:00 and I'm just blinking the sleep from my eyes. --stretch--
Part of this mornings late-wake time is due to having been rather
late getting to be last night. I drove my 16 year old daughter and
three of her friends to the Counting Crows/John Mayer
concert in Charlotte, NC last night. I've never seen so many pining,
half-dressed teenage girls in my life, and that was outside of the
venue.
More...
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