Frodo has failed!

Some things are too close to the truth... scary!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Meetings, Reminders, and Specters

I attended a meeting tonight. One of the home group members was picking up a one year medallion.

We read and shared on the chapter "Relapse and Recovery" from the basic text of Narcotics Anonymous.

It is good to get to know some of the people here in recovery. I think one of the keys to coping with the loneliness of being on-the-road, is to get some relationships going with some of the folks in recovery here. It was good to sit and hear several newcomers share about the pain, grief, guilt, shame and remorse that haunts them, as they enter recovery; a good reminder of how it was and could be for me, but for today's recovery. I did feel better afterwards, and even though I returned to work for another hour or so, the loneliness isn't as intense tonight.
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Halloween Evening

Taking a break from the work scene, two of my co-workers and I took in a Halloween treat. It was fun, although, having people jump out at you and scream while stubbling down dark places gets a little old after the first hour. Heh.

Tonight, I miss home

I miss home...

Passionate love with my wife
The smell of my bathroom
The sound of the dogs running in the house
My dog's attentive snuggle
The feel of my wife's hair
The creak of the garage door
The three remotes for the TV, Sterio, and DVD
The new leather sofa in the den
Watching the falling of the leaves, as the creek is more clearly revealed
The ring of the phone and the voice of friends
The short drive to my children's home
Smoothies with my daughter
Movies and Popcorn with everyone
Reaching over at night and finding her there
Halloween decorations
The mess on my dresser top
The chair where I sit to put on my socks and shoes
The mattress on our bed
The sigh at the end of the day
Spooning
Laughter from them all
Looking into my wife's eyes and knowing she loves me

Tonight, I deeply and sincerely wish I was home.

Happy Birthday Sandy...

Years, like autumn leaves
Drift upon the swirls of this day
A dance of celebration, ecstasy manifests
The decent into yet another spiral

Ascending, the rise
Sap blasting into new branch
Announces renewal, passion’s peak
Clicking another forward mark, growth…

Beauty is not found only in
The taunt frame of youth
Nor in the strength of sinew and bone
But, rather in the laughter and twinkle
Of an eye that has beheld it’s children grow
The arms that have let go and held again
And mostly, in the gentle beat of an impassioned heart
The face set forward, against every line and wind
Embracing a new day, again

Each day, we are reborn
Happy Birthday Friend!

Finally! A Meeting and Beauty.

I just did what I tell others to do. I planned to attend a meeting tonight, and eventhough work took a twist toward the busy side, I 'up and left' and went anyway. Whew. Glad I did.

It is late and I'm tired, but I wanted to update and say thanks again to all of you who left kind comments and emails the last few weeks. I do feel uncomfortable feelings at times, and since those are the ones i most need to process, I often post them here. I do have good days, and pleasant feelings, too. Like yesterday... More...

Wishing #1,098,01

I truly wish that my sense of self worth and feeling of well being wasn’t so closely tied to my performance and the affirmation of others.

Ugh. I want to cry. I can feel the knot in my stomach, the tighteness in my throat and the welling of water pooling in my eyes, yet, the freeflow of emotional relief alludes me. Sigh.

Glad to be here...and here.

The morning finds me tired and at peace with the 'ways things are.' The opening sale was slower then we had liked, but has the makings of a growing and successful venture. Back at it today.

Otherwise, to quote one of my colleges here, "It is what it is." More...

and so it begins...

Tomorrow is our last day of set-up before the sale begins: October 17 at 10:00 a.m.

The day will be what it will be. It will be the culmination of many, many hours of labor, investments, and preparation for those of us who make up the company of which I am a part: NFP. It will be the offical beginning of my full-blown career in the furniture liquidation business. It will be a day when the success or limitations of this venture can be measured... and no matter what, I will be ok. More...

Seasonal Greetings...

In The Tropics...

In the tropics, the air whispers tales of the end of the journey and the beginnings of breathing. The horizons appear endless, barely even the fine line dividing planet and heavens can be seen, and that as only the obligatory nod to the proclaimed laws of physics. Seas pool in transparent marine, crystal refractors of laughter and indulgence. If the breeze blows, it is the compilation of every faded caress, every long lost lover, as the humidity clings, mocking her absent touch.

In the heat of these places, a man’s metal is tested, not by the level of his strength or the length of his endurance, but rather by the depth of his passion. For the blasting sun will lay siege to all muscle and cause even the fittest flesh to run dry. Left only with emptiness where fictitious power did reside, the soul of the man of the tropics must find relief and value elsewhere. In time, in his weathered smile - carved with canyon lines of today’s joy - can be seen the scars of victorious battles with self and the final surrender to all that surrounds and captures him. The paradox of surrender and freedom combine on the shore as waves meet sand.

There, where the deep is found in one man’s being or lost in the darkest of sea resides my destination.

Man! I Need A Meeting!

I did manage to get some exercise this morning and that helped my mood. I know that what I really need is a meeting, and that as soon as I get to one I’ll feel some relief. I need some relief – from me, my feelings, incessant thoughts, lack of acceptance, stinking thinking.

I’ve been informed by the President of the company that I’m being pushed back in my position from that of manager to ‘manager in training.’ The sale we are starting next week is very large and we have three people here on site with ‘manager’ status and the other two have more experience than me, so I have to take a back seat. Now the numbers change, the coins and dollars shift and authority and responsibilities are realigned, and I’m left with unloading trucks, setting the floor, and selling on weekends. The pay will be ok, at least as much during the week as I was expecting before, but the end of the sale bonus will be less. In my mind I know it will be fine, but it is my feelings that are giving me trouble.

I know that I have two options in this situation: leave it, or get some acceptance. I’m working on the latter. A meeting would help, and I plan to hit one tomorrow night.

For now, I am giving in to the drag of fatigue.

Goodnight, and thanks again to all of you for your support and care. For the deepest of sorrows, a well of wailing despair and sea of sorrow, can be appeased and altered by the simplest act of kindness. There is great power in small words.

Whew! Simply Whew!

After two nights at home, a few hours in deep conversation with my wife, and some serious physically reconnecting…. We seem to have weathered the storm.

After sorting through things, I am more clearly aware of the part I have played I the making of the disturbance in our relationship. I spend too much money. I’ve been being irresponsible with my earnings and causing difficulties for us. That is the simple truth. More...

when will this end? or change?

the good news - is that i leave Arkansas tomorrow. i am headed to our next sale in Atlanta, and i have two days to spend at home before i go.

the bad news - i should be happy, and i was, until my wife called today. for all that i wish i was going home to tomorrow, my wife is just this side of leaving me. she told me tonight, after much coinversation about finances that she was not sure she loved me anymore, but that we would see.

i am heart broken. sad beyond words. i head home tomorrow, a 12 hour drive. my wife will not be home when i arrive, she is going out with a friend and will not be home until a few hours after i get home. ouch.

i wish i had better news, more joyful feelings, more hope, but i do not. what i do have is a small kernal of faith that tells me that life will get better and that i will laugh again, and feel love again. however, tonight is about sadness and numbness.