Doomed! I'm Doomed.

Looks like my theophany email address has been attacked by the 'mydoom' virus. Currently, I cannot check my email as the number of emails is so high, and the dial-up so slow, and my virus software takes too long.... so the server times out. More...

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Addict Behavior 101

There is something in my nature that resembles the likes of a spoiled child. In a sentence, I want what I want when I want it! I do not know where or when I acquired this innate motivation, but I did.

Perhaps it is a result of the environment of my childhood. The trauma of my father’s death when I was six years of age, the resulting dysfunctionality of my family, and absence of consistency and balance from the adults around me may have contributed to my impatient selfishness. It is also possible that there is some yet unidentified genetic hiccup that has made me so self centered. Whatever the cause, I have an over inflated sense of entitlement that often drives me to insane actions. More...

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The Gift Chapter 14-Urbane

Chapter 14

After dinner, sitting in the expansive dinning room, being attended by the servants, I began to wish for sometime alone. Angela had not left my side for days now. When we ate, we dined as royalty. My body had returned to a more normal appearance. I appeared now as if I had simply been successful in re-sculpting my body and adding a few pounds of muscle. I had grown accustomed to managing my new senses. With little effort now I could balance my urbane sensitivities to preclude any over stimulation. I could move through the tasks of each day with a high degree of normalcy. Yet, increasingly I was feeling restless. I began to think of my small country home, my familiar surroundings – the view from my den window, the smell of the smoldering fire in the morning, the beep of my answering machine – and my thoughts returned to Kelly.
More...

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Old Story. New Twist.

A GREEN Dragon Lies Beneath!

My inner dragon is the embodiment of Nature and the Earth. I'm also the Earth Elemental dragon; the defender of all living things. You've heard of forest spirits? Well, I'm as big and tough as they get. Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.

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Snow Brain

snow is an irregularity here. we usually get two or three dustings a year of some form of snow and ice. it is just enough for the event to remain a break in the norm.

at the first forcast, Carolinians rush out to by bread and milk. like others, i wonder why we need more bread and milk just because it snowed. more curious is my own mind. i cannot seem to maintain a focus on the responsible tasks that need to be done. it is like some switch in my brain get flipped by the falling snow, and i think of spending the day reading, sipping tea, surfing the web, and generally indulging myself in leisure.

no amount of self-inflicted responsible adult conversation within myself, can seem to change the thinking of my snow brain. snow=play. however, i will get something productive done today (other than blogging)... i am determined! More...

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Blog Disciple

One of the interesting things about blogging, is the way I have to wait for my regular reads to post and disclose. It reminds me of those moments in the best of friendships when, something inside of me knows that there are unspoken issues, problems, or concerns, but another part of me respects personal privacy too much to ask about the latent stories.

So, I visit blogs, look for updates and wonder about the wellbeing of those whose stories are kept on the other side of the post. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wander around all day wondering about you people, but, when I’m surfing entries I am looking for an opportunity to connect with you, to learn, to feel, to be, in that brief and albeit tenuous connection, more human.
More...

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Just A Day...

It is just a simple day, today. I have nothing screaming at me right now. Seas calm. Skies clear, but for the light wisp of a cloud dancing about.

It is nice to have a break from the chaos in my head. I went to a meeting last night with a coworker. I wonder if that has anything to do with it? ;=P

If you get a chance and have the whim, drop by over at Chrissy's place. She has some nice photos and such. I'm not sure how I found her site...just one of those clicking links frensies I guess.

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What Can We Do?

I have found myself in and out of a state of self pity. Regularly my mind goes back and recounts, endlessly and mercilessly, the failures of my life. Those thoughts and accompaining self image do not feel comfortable.

A few posts ago, responding to a particularly dark session of whining, someone asked, "What are you going to do about it?" More...

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Beautiful Women and Successful Men

I was watching some news-talk show this morning while having my car's oil changed. The discussion was regarding Olivia Goldsmith's recent death during elective 'plastic' surgery. While there is much here to debate regarding the surgery issues, it was a comment made by one of the guests that got me thinking. More...

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Too much...

This guy has a real sit-u-a-tion going on. Seems he is getting some flack from one big company. Hey, The guy can't help it if his name is MikeRowe. I found out about his battle over at the BS report.

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A Carolinian's Obligatory Celebration Post!

I live very close to Charlotte, NC the home of the Carolina Panthers. It will be news to few, but they are headed to the Super Bowl! My drive home from Knoxville last evening was made much more enjoyable by the radio coverage of their victory.

Speaking of which... More...

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Olfactory Induced Memories of A Calling Gone Bad

This morning, I ate a toasted bagel with Welch's grape jelly. The warmth of the bagel stirred and aroma of the grapes and it reminded me of the familiar scent of communion 'wine.' And that reminded me of many things, most all brought a melancholy shadow, and guilt.

I have made such a mess of the life The Divine has given me. More...

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Barry Wise Words...

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."


3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness." More...

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Preparation Time

settling in here in Knoxville. i'll be here this weekend for a sale (Furniture Liquidation Company). i will be continuing to sell for these folks on weekends until my new weekday job takes off.

latest news! i'm back in the Custom Apparel business making shirts and such for company's who like to adorn the masses with their logos and promotional products. i spent three years doing this same job previously, so it is familiar to me. the only scary part is that this particular industry is repressed right now. we sign contracts and such next week.

thanks to each of you who left such warm comments on the poetry posted below. i never know if my poems make any sense to anyone other than me. sometimes, after they sit a while, I go back and read them, and they make me go, "huh?"

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A Poem

I wrote this one a while back. I stumbled on it today.

"Still Waters"

placid ripples radiate
out from the stone's wake
it falls into silence
downward

from a nameless toss it came
flying in a moment
failing to break gravity's spell
downward

descending the abyss
parting waters of primeval ways
stirring the reservoir of rage
downward

what life lies beneath
what longings to be stirred
what hopes become reacquainted
down there

a small pebble settles on deepest sediment
nests into it's new dark home
and something, disturbed, moves
down there.

-Theo

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another poem

Internal Move

muffled echoes of long ago laughter
the last wave of eternal bliss
fading from my senses
freezing this moment of nothing

the stillness begins

sighs of a restless soul
descending to the cell's floor
in a thud of resignation, downcast
doubting ever knowing daylight's caress

the emptiness again

a glimmer of remembrance
recognition of this familiar prison
it's safety, security and temporary reign
lifting head's eyes

a prayer, unrestrained

-Theo

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Vigilance

A precarious existence is the nature of many of us in recovery. Those on the outside witness our staggering walk through life with amazement. Our ability to continuously waver in our commitments, and even the reality of relapse leaves those without some experience with addiction scratching their heads. Those with an emotional investment in our successes are often exasperated.

From the inside, it makes perfect sense to me. I live each day with a natural tendency to deny reality and fabricate some distraction or illusion by which I can find a transient belief that I am more valuable, more love, more powerful, more successful, or just more ‘special’ than I truly feel and believe myself to be. Early on, this state of existence is as natural as exhaling after breathing in, and it seems as necessary. Slowly, I have come to find that this natural state of existence isn’t the only way to live. Through much learning and practice, I have discovered that I can begin to live with feelings as they are, with situations as they are, and with people, as they are. It is this hard won acceptance that makes it possible for me to recover each day and to live with some degree of real joy and satisfaction. Yet, the inward pull toward denial and self-destruction persists.

It is this inner specter that seems to separate addicts from non-addicts. I live with a haunting presence, that left to itself will overpower and possess me and my will and lead me back into active addiction. It seems that there is only one thing that works to keep this ‘addictive piece’ in check: constant help. For me, I find that help through a 12 step program, regular prayer and meditation, writing, and the grace of the Divine. What is most important to me, and I suspect other like me, is vigilance. It is not enough for me to do the work of recovery SOME of the time. It is not enough for me to work very hard and in-depth for a week, a month or a year and then ‘take a break.’ As it says in one of our readings, “We keep what we have only with vigilance…”
More...

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At The Duir

My sister, six years my senior, sent this to me.

Such was the beginning of my welcome home from this past weekends work in Atlanta, Ga. I'm back home for a few days before I travel to Knoxsville, Tn. to work this weekend.

I hope all is well and filled with mystery and beauty in your life, today.

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Confession

O.K. I totally admit it.

Without a doubt, and with every fiber of my being, I believe women are the most mysterious and wonderful creatures on the planet. I never cease to be amazed at how one of them can totally demand and get my focus, completely.

There. Whew! I finally got that out in the open. Much better.

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Dilettante Mystic

I believe Edward may be on to something when he says:

"A few days ago, someone asked me what my religious background was. On the spot, I made up the phrase "dilettante mystic". It seemed to fit.

'dil·et·tante n. A dabbler in an art or a field of knowledge.

mys·tic adj. Of or relating to religious mysteries or occult rites and practices.
n. One who practices or believes in mysticism or a given form of mysticism.'"

"dilettante mystic," i likes that Mr Frodo. likes it, yes!

now if i could only pronounce it.

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Change, again

I’m still here at home, not in Georgia like I thought I would be. I didn’t lie to you. Honest. Really.

Just a few hours after my last post, I received a call from the President of the Furniture Sales Company for whom I have been working for the last four months. He informed me that he didn't need me as a manager for this sale, but that it "would be fine" if I wanted to come down to Ga. and sell on the weekends. Ugh. Did I get fired? This guy amazes me. He seems to have little or no regard for how his change in plans affects others.

So, I wait here NOT working, NOT making money when I COULD have made plans to be doing SOMETHING for this week....

The up side is that I am still in conversation with a new job possibility that would allow me to work here during the week... hopefully I will know something by the end of the week. IN the mean time, I’ve been contacting my accounts from my last job and preparing them for my return to the world of Promotional Apparel (that would be selling screen printed and embroidered apparel.)!

Moving along. See. I wasn’t telling a lie, it was the truth when I uttered it! (lol. Did I just type ‘utter?’MOOOOO!!

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Not the Knot!

The knot is back
I remember it so well, sitting there in her office
Beginning what would be years of regular psychotherapy
Beginning my journey into self
Then, in those early days
I was unable to feel
Unable to articulate even the simplest of feelings
Sometime in childhood I had blocked it all
Never to develop the eloquent and humanizing art
The art of being real and in the present
I could not feel, but for an indefinable knot
Some twisted culmination of emotions
That abided within my gut
The knot

The knot that slowly loosened
Unraveling the mystery of me to me
Introducing me to anger, pain, sorrow, grief and joy
These along with all of their relations entered my life
And have found regular paths through mind, heart and gut
To join me and teach me

Yet, these past few days
Of late, the knot is back
It dwells again and for fear or stubbornness
It withholds from me, me
I feel something, an intense presence
That racks my nerves and tilts my sanity
Holding me on the edge of…

I wish I knew.

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On the Road Again?! Ugh!

I have been waiting on updating regarding my most recent job interview because the offer for the job is still up in the air. They are supposed to get back to me sometime this week. In the mean time, financial needs require that I head back to Georgia, at least for the next week or so, until I can finalize things with this new opportunity. I have been home, without pay, since December 20, 2003 and cannot offered to stay here and wait any longer. So, reluctantly, I am headed off tomorrow. –sigh—

On the up-side, this new job looks promising, and I have gotten the “ok” to work weekends selling in Georgia to supplement my income until my commissions kick in here. There is hope.

Personal observation: I am amazed at how much of my energy is tied up in this job/income thing. I tend to think of myself as a spiritually minded person who would rather spend time and thought on things of the Spirit, BUT, life and my choices seem to have removed that luxury and I find myself consumed, agitated and despairing about vocational and financial issues much more than celebrating life, or relishing in matters of the Spirit. Well as one of my acquaintances is fond of saying, “It is what it is.”

I will have to work out a way of being on the internet while back in Georgia, so it may be a few days before I’m back online. More later….of course.

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Happy New Year! 2004

I brought the New Year in with...

a toast with iced tea, an indepth conversation about aromatherapy, first party insurance billing for massage and the nature of addiction with wifey and two special friends, watching the apple drop on TV, a kiss and then a cozy sleep.

what about you?

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