Archives: July 2004
Sat Jul 31, 2004
Dog Days of Summer
I found great joy today, after a vigourous lawn mowing session, watching my dog plunge himself repeatedly in to the water of our plastic kiddie pool. Yes. We bought it for the dog.
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Thu Jul 22, 2004
Awakening
I don't know why I am awake. The clock read 4:00 am and I lay next
to you, listening to your breath. Slow, deep, silent breaths, a gentle,
telling voice that notifies me that you are wandreerg through sleep.
Your hair, shorn closely, hair that I once call "salt and pepper" as it
first revealed your gray, now is more salt than pepper. Your face is
relaxed, showing only the faint lines in your forehead and cheeks where
later, for another day, laughter and worry will take ritualistic turns
carving thier marks a bit deeper. Gone for the moment are the burdens
and joys of your days. I wonder. I wonder if I have cared for you
enough. I hope my sharing in yourmlife has brought you enough help and
joy. Do you know how much I admire you? Do you know what grand love
swells now in my chest, bringing warm pools to my eyes?
I don't know why I am awake. I am glad I am.
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Tue Jul 20, 2004
This morning's sweat...
Why are exercise and sex alike? Well, besides the sweat part... More...
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Sun Jul 18, 2004
Now Reading
Last May, for my Birthday, two of my friends gave me a book, The Other Wind, by Ursula K. LeGuin. Many years ago I read the "Earthsea Trilogy" and was captivated by the story and its wonderful paradigms for living a life of spiritual integrity.
This new, and many years awaited, work promises to be nothing less than
a wonderful conclusion to the epic begun so many years ago. Care to
join me in a bit of reading?
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Thu Jul 15, 2004
Two Totally Non-Related Items
1. Last evening I attended an NA meeting and picked up my 5 year
medalian. It was great to be in a meeting, great to celebrate that
moment with others who truly understand how graced I am, and great to
have Ms. Theo with me for the meeting. Ms. Theo isn't an addict. She's
one of those "earth people."
2. I'm thinking about naming my work truck "Lucille."
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Sun Jul 11, 2004
Gut Knot of Loneliness
I get a knot in my stomach when I’m lonely. I always have. It’s just
there, a tight, burning, knot, almost unnoticeable, fairly easy to
ignore. Without even thinking I will find myself feeling unsettled,
needing something, wanting something. I’ll stop the DVD and head to the
kitchen, not really hungry, but staring into the fridge, hoping
something will catch my eye…
Riding in the car, my mind will wander to any one of several items that
I have been thinking of purchasing – new speakers, a new book, a new
computer, a gas grill – and if I let myself, I’ll be off to buy
something, just any something, that will…what will it do?
That silent ache, the knot of desire, may lead me into lust as well. I
find myself looking with desire upon women, who on another day I would
simply observe as ‘attractive’ and move on. My choice of movies,
internet browsing, and even my writing can take me to places of desire
and arousal looking for something to loosen my stomach, relieve my
inner ache.
These are the dangers of my addictive self. Strange how all I really
need to do is one simple thing. For all of the times I’ve run to
distractions and ‘medications’ all in the effort of ignoring my gut,
all I need to do is…
Be lonely for a while. Today, I’m lonely for my family. I desire
attention. I want someone to laugh at my jokes, return my embrace and
make noise in my home. There. That’s said. I’m lonely, and just for
today, that is ok.
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Thu Jul 08, 2004
Addiction's toll
In two days, July 10, 2004, I will be celebrating my five years anniversary of bring drug free. I say 'celebrating', but it is not so much a party as a time of remembrance and recommitment. I wrote about the event last year and went back into my archives to revisit that post. More importantly, I spent a few moments reflecting, feeling, wondering... More...
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Sun Jul 04, 2004
Unseen, Unheard...Known
The water, hot and welcomed, pounded my shoulders and cascaded around
my neck, stripping away the dirt and sweat. Propping my hands in front
of me on the shower wall, I let the water work its magic. I closed my
eyes, exhaled strongly, and let my mind wander.
Are there sounds that are only heard by the deaf? Are there things
unseen to those with sight? Might the angst-ridden beauty of artistic
accomplishment reveal itself more clearly to those burdened of twisted
mind and unbridled emotion?
More...
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